I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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