I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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