so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
