Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
