you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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