i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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