i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
