So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
