1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Randomize
