dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
