A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
