This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
