good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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