I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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