we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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