Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I party with great urgency now.
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