i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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