I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
