I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
