There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
