my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
