i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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