I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
