I heard we made out
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
