Duck Duck Cougar?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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