u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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