Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
