Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
