I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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