Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
