Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
