and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
