Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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