What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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