fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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