Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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