it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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