Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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