every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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