Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Randomize
