I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
