dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
This toilet bowl is my home.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
