In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
