Can i not drive my cunt home
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
