I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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