did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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