What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
