Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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