I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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