You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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