woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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