Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
