He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I need to align my fucking chakras
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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