Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
